As some of you have noticed, the past few days I've been dealing with some mental and emotional confusion that hasn't really left me in a good place. This concern has come to me many times throughout the years, all the way back when I started to question my English major in my second year of college. So five years now. And on a side note, I only miss college when it has nothing to do with homework and tests. :P
Modern society definitely hasn't helped me with these, in fact they only make the turmoil a bit worse. Mainly because of the whole, "Oh you're so young, you've got your entire life ahead of you! Stop worrying about life, you've only started it." But how much of that is true? What is an entire life? And how do you know you're going to live long into your old years? You don't, and that's the problem. On top of that, you've got other people who have been working on their lifelong careers since they were kids in elementary, or at least they have an idea worked out as they get into college. Now, I'm not saying that everyone has figured this out, out of about 7 billion people in the world, I doubt that nearly everyone has figured it out.
My question isn't about what I ultimately want in life. I know that much already. I ultimately want a home, a family, the ability to help others less fortunate or more beaten down than me. But what do I want to do in life? What kind of job/career do I want? And that right there opens up a can of worms because I overthink. I come up with situations, real and imagined, that could put me at a setback or leave me worse off than I was before. And it terrifies me. It scares me more than the uncertainty that I'm going to live to be I'm fifty. But that in itself is confusing. Why are dreams and goals so high prized, so feared, that it completely puts people off? What is it about them that makes them so important?
I want to be a performer. I want to be able to sing, to dance, act in films, or something that would ultimately bring people joy or a time of peace. But at the same time, I'm scared to pursue that. I don't have thick skin, I get scared easily, heck, I even (occasionally) break down in tears if a new bill arises that I need to pay or negative news reports fill my facebook page. How am I supposed to be a performer if I cry that easily? After all, you have to be able to take the bad with the good and brush it off, right? Not allow the haters from tearing you down?
I want to be my own boss. I want to be able to work from home, make my own hours and income, do the things that I want to do. But why does the thought of not being able to do these kinds of things make me so upset? What specifically is it about having to work a typical job, get a typical wage, commute back and forth to work that bothers me so badly? To the point of not wanting to be around anyone? I'm probably being overdramatic lol. I'm told a lot that I should take my what I'm good at and focus on those. So let's see: cake decorating, art, nails, writing, acting, singing, cashiering, customer service, organization.....Yeah, that seems pretty overwhelming to me. How am I supposed to pick? And would it be a waste of time if I pick one and it doesn't work?
Trust me, I know that if you pick something and you don't like it, you just pick something else. You don't have to stick with one thing. But what about the time that's lost? You can't get time back. And for those of you that know me, I'm not that great with patience either. I'm working on it, but I haven't overcome it. I am scared of failure. I'm scared of looking back and seeing that what I've done in life is scattered and unimportant. And yes, once again, I know I'm still young. But like I said, you never know what life has in store for you.